IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!

I am this __ < close to swearing off carbs for the rest of my life.

I had a small bag of pretzels and a serving of peanuts for breakfast/lunch (blunch), I bolused exactly according to how many carbs were in the whole meal, and I ended up at 341. Why. WHY!? This seems to be happening a lot lately, though, even when I eat meals with very few carbohydrates in them (ie. salad for dinner).  So frustrating. Another frustration is that my right ankle is pretty bum right now… Why? Chucks are not the best walking shoes, but that fact certainly hasn’t stopped me from doing at least a mile a day. So,  I go home on Saturday for Spring break and sometime during the course of the week I think it will be necessary to purchase some better walking shoes.

You know, I’m thinking a lot about my health right now and I’m making the moves to be the healthiest I can be, but diabetes isn’t really cooperating….. I don’t think I’m invincible but sometimes I do forget that “tomorrow I’ll do it right” has the potential to turn into next week, and next year, and before you know it you look back and realize that you’ve let the years slip away into mediocrity. I don’t want that. I don’t want complications. I don’t want this to be anything more than what it has to be.

A reminder

It’s in the sound of labored, tired footsteps and heavy sighs that I hear diabetes.
In an impossibly dry mouth that I feel it.

I don’t look sick and, for the majority of the time, I don’t feel sick either, but life has a way of reminding every now and then that I am not “100%” . When?

When I wake up late for class, number 428 staring back at me and not one explanation close at hand. When I want to run but have a pounding in my head instead, and my arms and legs feel like lead… so I walk anyway, because Diabetes shouldn’t hinder my happiness. A useless defiance. When, upon opening a book, the notion of concentration seems a preposterous one. Laughable, almost, but also unbelievably frustrating. When I inevitably deliver a rage bolus and, not long after, find myself: clammy, clouded, confused. When it seems as if I spend 24 hours in one extreme or the other- a happy middle ground, a steady line on a graph, proving itself tremendously elusive. 

These are the days when I am reminded that something doesn’t work, the days when my body feels so much stronger than my mind. These are the days when reality wickedly triumphs over optimism, because you can’t will your body to do its job again… I hate these days.

EDIT.
My days have this wonderful habit of turning around for the better. After dinner tonight, I went out for a walk, put my iPod on shuffle and the song “Never too Late” by Michael Franti started playing and reminded me that “It’s never too late to start the day over.”  So 7pm saw me with a spring in my step, tracing my usual route through the city, and remembering all the reasons there are to smile and to treat mishaps as nothing more than little  bumps in a very long road.

 
A spot of tea never hurt anyone, either.

Happiness

It’s the word of the day, the week… the month! I cannot recall ever being as happy as I have been during the past few weeks. Spring semester is going unbelievably wonderfully (although far too quickly, as usual). I am ahead in all of my classes, I am smiling, I am eating right, working out, thinking positively, taking time out to enjoy the little things in life- and my BG’s are responding quite nicely to all of this!

I mean, sure, there are the little things that aren’t 100% FANTASTIC (being 18 and still managing to be hopelessly awkward around boys that I might have even a remote interest in- did I just admit that to the internet?, statistics, no eggs in the cafeteria, just to name a few), but I have come to trust that, with time, the present, less than wonderful parts of life, will cease to be problems at all. It is like this with everything.

I’ve started walking a lot, exploring new neighborhoods. This allows a lot of time for self reflection and, to be honest, me thinking about myself and the world and whatnot often leads to a whole lot of frustration. But, lately? Beauty. Just noticing the smiling faces of other people in the world, love between mothers, fathers, and children, the patterns of shoes left in snow, far reaching hills, and heck, even the smoke stacks are beautiful in their own way.  I enjoy it all- I feel for long moments as if I am at peace with everything.

Always, with one foot forward. I hope everyone is having a fantastic week!!!!

I LOVE DIABETES

My first week back at school has brought happiness to varying degrees, exhaustion, regret, my first cold of the season, laughter- essentially, all of the things I’ve been told are part of the deal when you’re eighteen and prone to living. ie. “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you’ll ever regret.”

However, happiness prevails and peace sets in with time. Home is a beautiful thing, but so also has college come to be. What I’m saying here is that after first semester I’ve finally gotten into the swing of things and college is A-W-E SOME. My blood sugars have been incredibly good this week, and I will attribute that to nothing more than my renewed dedication with the turning of the year and a list of resolutions that could fill a book. (It has nothing to do with the full moon.) Although there will undoubtedly be slip-ups and “bad days”, I am dedicated to achieving and maintaining good health, even if a less than stellar HbA1C number had to remind me of that.

So, why do I love Diabetes today? Well, why not? Mistakes are an integral part of life. I’ve made them and I expect or rather hope to be forgiven for them. So, body, I forgive you for attacking your own cells. Fig newtons, I forgive you too. (I guess I should explain. I’ve maintained only half jokingly for the past ten years that fig newtons gave me diabetes. The last time I ate them I was 7 and I came down with a week long virus shortly after that and then lo and behold a few months later I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. I’ve heard from the very beginning speculation that a virus could be the trigger for developing T1D, so it was only logical that fig newton = virus = diabetes.)

This doesn’t mean that I will be indulging in the fig jam filled pastries anytime soon though. In Psychology they call this “taste aversion”, and I am certain that- in my own case- the cure will only come when someone finds a way to make my pancreas work again.  

“If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all.” 

A resolution of sorts

Tomorrow is New Years Eve. I have no set plans and only a small intention to make them. December 31st is 9 parts hype and 1 part grudgingly made plans with people you probably don’t like.

Am I bitter as 2009 approaches? Well, it sure sounds like it… but I will henceforth take to calling it “levelheaded”. I guess I have realized that starting a New Year with people who love and care about me, wherever that may be, will far more than suffice.

As part of a resolution, I near-completely dismantled my facebook yesterday and will only go on it when it has a useful purpose beyond KILLING MY SOUL. If anyone is interested as to why… Well:

1. I no longer wish to subject myself to being bombarded by news from peoples lives that have nothing to do with my own and should therefore have little to no bearing on it. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

2. I was never a good verbal communicator in the first place, Facebook just gave me (and countless others) a functional way not to be. This is NOT ok.

3. Facebook has become Myspace pt. two: a host for college and highschool students alike to post album after album of drunken debauchery and exclaim to one another on their walls about how “wasted and high” they were or are going to be “on saturday night!!!” Now completely  disregarding my first question (Why at all?), I am left to wonder… Why.. do people..post this on the internet?

4. Does anyone know what I could have been doing with the countless hours I wasted away on facebook? Yeah, I don’t either… but counting sheep would have been more productive.

5. When I saw people in the same room writing on eachothers facebook walls, I knew it was time to stop.

and last but certainly not least…

6. I figure if anyone wants to pursue friendship or otherwise with me, then they should be perfectly capable of speaking to me person. Social skills are deteriorating. I will not support it.

As a last note: I acknowledge that communication is a good thing and that the internet facilitates it to a great extent (thank you for this blog). Sometimes facebook serves to reunite old friends and the like.. but for the most part, it is a ridiculous never ending attempt to see and be seen. People got along just fine without it before, I figure I will too.

Shalom in the home brothers and sisters! I have great feelings about 2009

Happy Holidays!

Hello all…. I am at home for Winter break until January 4th. Winter vacation has thus far been packed with fun. Acting as a Philly tour guide was a fantastic time, reliving a day in the life of my formerly rebellious high school self was liberating, and watching Pride and Prejudice, Once, and It’s a Wonderful Life all in one day and never getting dressed was joyous. This Christmas was one of the best in recent years… Going away for school has made me appreciate my family even more.  Some photos from today:

 
Dad, Me, and My Sister. 

This home made cake may very well be the definition of “bolus worthy”.

Our Tree

 

So, my first semester is over. I’m not sure if this is a time for reflection, or a time to close the book and say “Well, that’s done. Let’s move on now.” For some reason, I’m thinking reflection, probably because I have an overwhelming propensity to argue the benefits of looking back. Well, I closed the semester with decent grades- not as high as I had wanted them, but then again my friend tells me everyone gets a mulligan first semester… even if she wasn’t talking about grades then. Still, I find myself dwelling on aspects of first semester far away from the differences between B+ and A-. I’ve written more in the past four months than I ever have before. I expected change when I began school in August, but somehow I don’t feel much different than I did when I began. I have often felt like this, though, like I am standing still in the middle of constant, consistent change and, by circumstance, must deal with it as best I can. It’s not always neat, or pretty, but I get through.  I mean everyone deals with life differently, right? I happen to write, cry, dance, drink tea, bang away on the piano, invent tunes of my own, make rash decisions to spill my troubles to people I’ve just met, spend some days extroverted and others completely absorbed in my own thoughts, and sleep sleep sleep… but that’s just me. With each passing day I realize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

With that said, and looking ahead to the New Year, I will not make the promise this time around to “try and blog more often”. I’m taking 16 credits next semester and starting a job (my first ever. Yes, it’s true, I’ve lived a charmed life), so truth be told I probably won’t get around to writing here often. I’ve been given a lot to think about and mull over with school and with my past two stays at home… and that “unyielding desire for solitude”? Yeah, that keeps resurfacing and I figure I should tend to it. I feel like I need to recommit to a lot of things (diabetes related and otherwise) and make peace and, generally, start to “take charge of” um … my life? So, that is all, my apologies for the ambiguity… I am also attempting to spend some months in Dublin this summer. My sister says I live in a dreamworld. I say that is OK, now I am going to go try to work my way to a plane fare. 

Buuuuut… the real point of this post? I just wanted to say……

HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL!!!!!

Just letting you all know… I haven’t disappeared!

Well… dear readers, you may or may not have noticed, but my half-commitment to blogging for the rest of November kind of fell through (horribly, entirely). However, I want to let you all known that I’m still plowing through school and only 11 days remain until I go home for Winter break. Time certainly flies, at light speed. But you know what this means? FINALS!

I have an exam tomorrow, a practical on Friday, and three finals next week… but I will be on a plane home by Saturday the 13th, and a friend will be coming back with me for a few days- so will begin my temporary position as a Philadelphia tour guide. Excitement abounds! 

A few weeks ago I remembered that I had always wanted to go to go to one of those too-hip poetry slams and snap the night away to some spoken word. So, I told my friend and just a few days later we were on a bus and off to our first ever poetry slam- thank you google. Sadly, there was not much snapping, but I still enjoyed myself immensely. A lot of poetry is performance… and there were a few really stellar performers there and, altogether, a rather eclectic collection of people. I love words. I wish I was a poet. Anyway, that little anecdote was entirely irrelevant and has nothing to do with the big D, but heck… I had a good time, and so I figured I’d share.

On to more updates… My thanksgiving break was, as I expected it to be, gloooorious! Spending time with my family was wonderful, reuniting with friends? equally so. Turkey? Fantastical. My own bathroom? Beautiful, absolutely. Steady sugars? Surprising, but certainly not unwelcome. I returned to school on Sunday night and have since experienced a rather unexplainable but unyielding desire for solitude. I go through these stages sometimes… A few long walks and a couple overpriced cups of tea will have it out of my system in no time and I will be back to people loving. Such is life. Ah well.. A few pictures to end this right!

My wonderful parents and I on Thanksgiving.

And, of course, my lovely sister and I. Despite all her complaints, she really does love when I come home and start playing my “awful music” (note: some people just have trouble appreciating it) throughout the house and throwing spontaneous dance parties… in which I am always the sole participant. Oh, I would leave a thousand times just to come back!

ps. I’ve been slacking on commenting and reading everyones blogs. I am sorry!! Thumbs down for being preoccupied, but I’m sure you all understand.

13

Days until I go home for Thanksgiving break. My first time home in THREE MONTHS! I’m incredibly excited, to say the least. Particularly so since, within the last month, cafeteria food has become increasingly unbearable. What I’m looking forward to the most? Family, mashed potatoes, sleeping in my own bed, taking a shower without having to wear flip flops!!!, and reuniting with friends.

It’s going to be absolutely fantastic. I wish I had something more quality to offer up today, but I’ve got about 4 hours of sleep and two projects due tomorrow. Such is the life of a procrastinator.

Catching up

So, it’s November. It’s diabetes awareness month. It’s “blog every day” month (don’t remember the acronym, don’t feel like looking it up). And that’s what this post is about. I know it’s November 11th (make a wish), I know I missed the first ten? days .. But I’m going to try to post something every day for the rest of the month. This shouldn’t be difficult, since it’s not as if I get around to posting often… so I should have a lot to talk about that I don’t take the time out to otherwise, right? We’ll see. For this morning (since it is 4am, since I don’t sleep) I’m just going to share with you all a few things from my first three months of college.

So I’ve been here for longer than I realized… I’m getting to know the city (having a love/hate relationship with it), writing all the time, and trying not to indulge in cafeteria cookies every day. I’ve participated in my second diabetes walk, made a few good friends, slept through one or two classes, and spent time lamenting my second hand smokers cough (seriously… I live next to the hospital and I don’t know how many times I’ve walked through the nurse’s smoke break). I’ve experienced my first riot (The Phillie’s won the world series- 1/4 of my school is from outside Philadelphia.. including me.) I’ve experienced my second riot (Barack Obama was elected)… Then I stepped back and realize that I never thought I’d see two riots in a span of two weeks. I’ve changed my major, again, to English and Communications, and I have never been more content. Through the course of three months I have been disgustingly happy, horribly sad, everywhere in between, and smitten like a kitten (ummm.. it’s possible that I just like to use this phrase whenever the opportunity arises). There have been good weeks, bad ones, weeks when I slept too much, and weeks when I didn’t sleep at all. I think I’ve begun to develop this skill that I never quite cultivated before- I am finding peace, beauty, and happiness in everything. It is quite nice. But for now, that is all… I’ll leave you with a photo:

I took this photo when I went to see the sun rise a few weeks ago (what can I say? I have fallen in love with it.) I took this one from the 36th floor of the Cathedral… the smudges kind of ruin it, but it was the best I could do- next time I will bring windex. (The photo at the top is of my favorite place to study- also in the Cathedral of Learning)

I’ve had time to reflect…

I remember 7th grade. I was 12 years old, I had just begun middle school, and the size of my class had increased drastically. Where before my hand was held and my decisions guided, I was now a number- a name on a medical sheet, meticulously filed away. It was the year we decided that I was more than capable of managing my own blood sugar, of being away from the nurse’s office and being able to test in class. It was the year administration blatantly refused, the year they told me that the life I had to live was a threat to other students. It was the year my new school principal told my mother “If my daughter saw someone doing that in class and told me about it, I would be in to administration right away to complain!” This, about the act of testing my blood sugar.

It was the first year I can ever recall feeling inadequate, the first year I ever felt like I wasn’t good enough. But we fought. And this time when I say we, I mean my mother… who never ever gave up, and 5 months later, I was allowed. Allowed to manage the life I had not asked for, and in the presence of others. I felt then that the fight was long, that it did not end before it had bruised my confidence, but I also felt hope. The hope that maybe our fight would make someone else’s easier.

So, when I look back and reflect on this day… I feel that hope again, and I am thankful. I look at the beginning of our fight for coverage of my CGMS, just 2 and a half months ago- how I poured everything into the letter I wrote for the second appeal, and still received the dreaded word: DENIED. But now here I am today, with the fantastic news that I have been approved on my mind, and the feeling that this success is part of something bigger than my own life. Barack Obama has been elected president, the streets of my college campus have been flooded with students- all cheering for a victory, all cheering for change. Today I know that my fight was made easier by all of you who have fought and won before me.  I have come to believe now, more than ever, in the power each person possesses to fight for and achieve change. Insurance companies have already begun to change their policies regarding coverage of CGMS’s, and I believe it is in large part because of the strength and perseverance of the diabetes community in demanding the lives that we deserve. Today I see in others a passion I have not seen before in my short life, I look back at all the changes I have seen through my own and say with confidence that this is only the beginning.